Piece of my heart

I met Kyle two summers ago at PFO (pre-field orientation) training. She is the social studies teacher at our sister school in Peru. I got this e-mail from her awhile back. I've wanted to share some of her thoughts with you, and I guess now is as good a time as any. She expressed in her e-mail many of the same thoughts I have in a very eloquent way. Maybe this will give you a little insight into why I decided to stay another year and why I like teaching in this school so much.

As most of you know, I am still trying to decide whether God is calling me to stay in Peru for a fourth year. I love this country, this school, and the people here. It would be very easy to stay, but I want my decision based on God's desire for my life, not on what is most comfortable for me. This Monday evening I was working on school stuff at my kitchen table with my roommate Laura sitting across from me. We were chatting occasionally (okay, maybe talking more than working sometimes...), telling stories about our students and the things they said and did that day. All the sudden I just stopped and thought, "How could I ever leave this?" My next thought was, "Did I just make a decision to stay?"

The next morning I set a deadline for myself to talk to my director and asked God to send some big red flag before then if he didn't want me to stay for another year. A few hours later one of my students asked to speak to me after school. Now I know that a teacher does not have favorites, but let's just say that this students can always bring a smile to my face. She came to tell me that she is leaving our school at the end of the (school) year. She had many reasons, some valid others based on emotion and avoiding certain situations, but I still just do not want her to go. I felt very keenly at that moment the pain of regularly losing students with whom I have developed a close relationship.

Later that night I wrote this in my journal as a prayer to God: "How many times are these kids going to bring such joy into my life and yet so much heartache, too? I understand better how a parent must feel, and how many more 'children' I have than most. Maybe, too, I can feel just a little bit of what you feel, God, as you rejoice in our victories - like how I was able to call a student tonight at home to congratulate him on his first 'A' on a history test - and delight in us as your children, like when I just have to smile out of sheer love for my students. But God, how you must also weep at our failures, our bad choices (to which, just like my students, we are often so blind), and our 'leaving' - straying away from an intimate relationship with you. Do you ever wonder, Lord, if the heartache is worth the joy? Do you ever just want to call it quits? How many times will I weep for these students of mine? How many times will you weep because of me? Father, guide my decision as I make a decision about staying in Peru for a fourth year. I can't imagine leaving, but sometimes the thought of staying is so difficult."

I (it's me again) had a wonderful experience at the end of last week. I brought several good books back for some of my students who have made recent decisions. I gave one to Guilia on Sunday. I've never seen someone's face light up so much just from receiving a Bible. On Thursday she asked could she talk to me in study hall. She was completely freaking out over exams. We talked for awhile, I offered a little advice, but told her what I could do was pray for her. So we prayed there just for peace in the midst of all this chaos. It's such a wonderful privilege to be able to pray for and with my students. The other two boys that I shared the books with were also very happy and deeply touched that I had brought them from America for them. Do we even realize how lucky we are to live in America and grow up in the Bible belt surrounded by churches and with multiple books in our homes? God has been teaching me a lot the last few months. What a privilege to be here getting to know these great kids.

I guess part of what made me think of Kyle's e-mail is the fact that Joyelle is leaving tomorrow. She's an amazing young lady with such a wonderful heart for God. We are sure going to miss her. Now is the time to good-byes start. Such is the life of an international school!